Nihilist
by shuusetsu
Summary: He could not remember the times he's 'died'. He had used so many names and disguised himself so many times. Kisa Shouta who was better off not revealing himself decided to come back for retribution. He just had to be careful not to be recognized. For Yukina Kou himself promised he'd kill the person who ruined his family.


_**note: **__**psychological/hurt/comfort/romance/and more hurt.**_

_**Prologue**_

* * *

**Nihilist**

Three caresses. Twice on the left cheek. One at the heart.

It was the most bitter-sweet moment. The closest thing they could ever be.

He looked around the dim storage room. The stinky old futon piled one after another. The unused winter clothes kept in the moldy boxes. The yellowish bulb above his head that was soon to die out. The never ending list of things he had to do stuck against the wall.

He smiled. He smiled and cried and smiled and cried. But he never dared to make a sound.

His calloused fingers felt for his left cheek that had gone numb. Three caresses. Twice on the left cheek the force he could tolerate. The third sent him stumbling down on the floor. And when he had to look up, unfeeling lavender eyes would be staring back down.

That was the cruelest part. The third 'caress' was something he couldn't feel anymore. It was directed somewhere else. That caress was the blow in his heart.

_"Ne Misaki...do you have any birthday wish?"_

_"Eh...Hmmm...I can't think of any right now...Onii-chan..."_

_"That's great then..."_

_"Eh?"_

_"Because the happier your are...the fewer your wishes are..."_

_"Really?"_

_"So that means you're a happy child Misaki."_

He slowly grabbed the collar of his shirt and tried unbottoning the first ones. He felt like being strangled. He couldn't breath. He was choking. His silent sobs he couldn't let out was being forced way back in his chest. It felt so hot. It was burning.

"Nii-chan," he called. He called deep within his soul. A voice no one would ever hear. "Nii-chan..."

Takahashi Misaki that time only had one wish. Did that make him a happy person? The answer was glaringly obvious. Because that one wish will never come to pass.

Misaki, he made a certain man's smile vanish. He only wishes to make it come back. So three 'caresses', ten of them, or a hundred of them, he was willing to take.

* * *

It was around the end of November. That month where all misfortunes seemed to have flooded his life to the limit. The air was already announcing the arriving harsh winter that year. Most people were already preparing for it. Winter clothes, checking their warmers, checking their supplies. It was a busy season. But it was always the most fun for Misaki who was seventeen that time.

However, somehow, he couldn't feel any lightness in him. He felt something weighing him down. He knew the reason perfectly.

_"Really? You three started living together?" _Misaki's classmate at cram school asked earlier. He didn't want to remember it but it found its way back into his consciousness_. "Eh..."_

_"What's that reaction?"_ Misaki asked in return. _"I don't like that look on your face..."_

The pale blue-eyed classmate of Misaki pursed his lips and leaned a bit closer to the other. His smile was meaningful.

_"Ne, Takahashi, just what is your brother and that Usami-san's relationship?"_

_"Uh? They're bestfriends," _the brunette answered right away. _"Didn't I tell you?"_

"_Bestfriends huh..."_ the other whispered. _"Nowadays, it's kinda hard to believe when two men not related by blood started living together."_

Misaki grew stiff. His mood darkening. _"Just what are you implying?"_

_"Well...you know it's kinda getting normal these days. Man to man relationships I mean."_

For a long time, deep emerald eyes just stared long at his friend. The world had gone quiet for a moment. He didn't know where that annoyance was coming from all of a sudden.

_"Don't say disgusting things!" _Misaki hissed. _"They're proper men who sometimes talk about getting married and having children! Don't make assumptions about their relationship it's not funny!"_

Observing eyes looked into Misaki's. They were quiet. An all too-knowing gaze hard to fight.

Misaki stood from his seat, his hands in a fist. _"Can two men not be close to each other without being in that disgusting situation? What about us then? We're really close. Does that mean we're gay?"_

_"I didn't mean to offend you. But...are you that prejudicial to gay people?"_

_"I don't care about disgusting homos as long as they don't involve me with them. My brother and Usami-san are proper human beings!"_

_"Homosexuals, Misaki, are proper human beings too."_

_"Why are you suddenly like this?"_

Takatsuki Shinobu stood slowly._ "I guess we can't be friends anymore like this."_

_"Huh?"_

The dark-blonde with pale blue eyes gave a small smile._ "Misaki...this coming out to you...didn't go so well as I was expecting. I'm sorry."_

_"Huh?"_

_"I've started going out with someone older than me. Almost seventeen-years advance in age."_

_"I don't..."_

_"He's a guy. And we're living together now."_

Misaki hastily grabbed his friend by the arm, face without color. _"Shinobu...what are you talking about? You're not...you're just kidding...That's disgusting-"_

Misaki wanted to bit his tongue right then and there. He didn't want to say those last words. It just came out. A normal reflex. An honest point of view.

_"That's why...we can't be friends like this. If we continue, we're just fooling ourselves."_

The brunette forced a smile, his chest shouting warnings all over the place. _"Shinobu! Get back to your senses will you? That guy...he seduced you right? He forced you into this-"_

_"Misaki. I was the one who first came to him."_

_"...Uso..."_

Takatsuki Shinobu bowed his head lightly. A sign of acknowledgement for the friendship that ended there. He left, leaving the brunette standing alone in their room confused and angry.

Misaki felt weak and he slumped back to a chair. His chest was in a chaos. His brain in turmoil. His emotions were the only clear thing. He was angry.

There it happened again. Losing someone important. He lost his family before, now his best friend. All because it was connected to homosexuality.

_"Homos..." _he gritted. _"That's why homos are evil...they always...always take people away from me..."_

That day was already bad as it was. But something worse was awaiting him.

Like his normal routine, he greeted the landlady who always walked her dog in the afternoons. It was chilly and she specifically sewed a fur coat for her already furry companion.

The trees around their simple apartment had no leaves left. They looked like ugly fingers reaching up the the darkening skies. He didn't know why. He never have seen these trees the way he was seeing them that time. It was like a premonition.

The hour glass of his happiness, it was running out.

"Tadaema..." he mumbled lazily as he pushed open the door.

He neatly aligned his shoes by the genkan and headed deeper into his home. He looked around and inhaled the familiar scent of security in the air.

"I should probably make Nabe since I got home early. Nii-chan and Usami-san are already doing their best to support me with my studies...for now...this is the only thing I could do for them..."

He dropped his bag on the sofa, leaving the lights off. Rolling his sleeves to his elbows, he started counting and thinking of the ingredients he'd be using. His feet in socks left no room for leaving any sound. Like a cat walking on the floor, he headed to the kitchen to start his cooking.

"..."

He frowned and sighed. He really couldn't take off his mind of his friend that had turned into one of the hateful things in the world.

Deep caseroles, knives, cutting board, he prepared them without thinking. He rummaged into the fridge with his mind flying somewhere else.

_"Gay...homosexuals...that guy who turned Shinobu into that...he should rot in hell..."_

And then Misaki froze. The lettuce he was holding, he slowly placed it in a bowl. His eyes towards the kitchen door.

_"What was that?"_ he thought. He heard a sound. A weird sound. Something out of place, something not ordinary.

Misaki slowly went out of the kitchen. He was holding a knife close to his chest. He didn't dare make a sound. He didn't even bother turning on any lights. As he was leaving the comforts of the lights in the kitchen, the nervousness in him grew bigger. A stone forming inside his throat.

_"Not a burglar...please..."_

He inched closer. It was getting louder. Louder and clearer as he closed in to the room of Usami Akihiko.

"..."

Misaki had practically stopped breathing. The sound from that room was something like an object moving another object, causing friction on the floor. A rhytmic sound. It was continuous. Constant and getting forceful and louder by the minute.

_"Akihiko..."_

Green eyes grew wide in the dim. Whose voice was that? Had his brother ever spoken in such a breathless voice?

_"We should hurry..." _again, that stranger's voice sounding lustrous filled Misaki's ears._ "M-Misaki..."_

A low laugh mingled with that rhytmic sound.

_"It's a weekday...he's got cram school..."_ another stranger's voice replied. Did Usami Akihiko ever spoken in such a playful, dominating tone? He could not remember at all.

Who were those people inside that room? He was afraid to know.

One by one they were starting to get shape in Misaki's ears. The sound of a creaking bed, moving unsteadily grazing on the floor. The sound of flesh, sticky, wet, slapping against each other. The gasping voices, the lustrous laugh, the dirty kissing sounds.

The sounds of sex. Misaki knew. They were the sounds of a passionate sex. Between who? Just between who?

Misaki tried to gulp the stickiness of vomit about to hurl out of his mouth. The beads of sweat that was starting to form on his forehead was a sign of the sweating in his palms that was making it hard for him to carry the knife.

_"Takahiro...go ride on top..." _that husky voice said. _"Let me see you..."_

_"Honestly...your requests..."_ a playful tone, and a sound of rustlings. _"How's this?"_

_"Shit...that's...your getting tigh-argh..."_

_"Am not...you're just getting bigge-wait...Ah...don't move so fast..."_

Moans and sticky disgusting loudness became sickeningly vivid. As if everything was being done right at Misaki's ears.

What were those animalistic sounds doing in his home? Misaki was already tearing up.

When Misaki opened the door without knocking, without a sound, he was already sure what he was about to see. The two men he holds special in his heart was there on the bed. Lower bodies connected, both sweating and in ecstasy.

Only when the knife Misaki was holding fell on the floor did everything came to a halt.

The entangled bodies on the bed froze as they stared with shocked eyes towards the brunette shaking by the door.

"M-misaki..." Takahiro stammeringly called. He scrambled out of the bed, his chest dirtied by cum was what Misaki could see. "Wait...hang on..."

The younger brother took a step backwards. As if he was trying to put distance from a contagious disease.

Usami hurriedly got dressed. He grabbed the white blanket and tried wrapping it around Takahiro.

"You two...?" Misaki started, darting his eyes from his brother to the bestfriend. "You've been doing this all this time?"

"Misaki...please..." Takahiro gently urged. He was smiling, such a smile he showed when trying to calm Misaki when they were younger. "Let's talk? Please..."

Takahiro started sobbing without realizing. He right away saw the rejection he was dreading. He couldn't take the eyes of his brother looking at him in that manner.

"Please...Misaki...don't look at me like that..."

"How should I look at you then?" Misaki whispered. "HOW?!"

"Misaki," Usami Akihiko cut in. He had rested a hand on Takahiro's shoulder as if protecting him. "Hear us first okay?"

"Hear you? What for?"

Anger. Rising anger. It was threateningly pushing the lid holding everything in. It was breaking out at a scary rate, washing away rational thinking.

"Nii-chan...I didn't know...you're this kind?"

"Misaki..."

The brother trying to reach out the younger one. But Misaki was already closing and losing his senses. No explanations needed. This was the worst betrayal. The gravest sin. The most...

"DISGUSTING!" Misaki shouted. "You're so disgusting Nii-chan!"

"Misaki!" Usami shouted, anger obvious. "Stop it. Right now."

"Both of you are disgusting! Especially you!" Misaki snarled at his brother. "You Nii-chan...I want to throw up just looking at you..."

"..."

The young man glared through tear-filled eyes. "You're doing the same thing as dad! You're no better! You're no better..."

Takahashi Misaki had ran away from home that time. He wandered and wandered thinking that he's been hurt again by no-good homosexuals. With the thoughts of a still seventeen year-old young man, he couldn't accept this mortifying things going on with his brother and his brother's bestfriend.

And even if they begged him to forgive them, that would be far from the future.

However, he didn't see _it_ coming.

When he returned after some three days, he was surprised to find their once lively and happy home empty. The landlady told him in such a distraught face something he couldn't still believe.

Not until he could already see his brother's body in a box full of flowers. With his brother's huge photo at the center. And many men and women in black, softly reliving how efficient and kind a man Takahashi Takahiro was.

_"Misaki-chan...quick...go to this address..."_

_"Why? What's this?"_

_"Your brother...Takahiro...committed suicide..."_

Everyone in that room attending the wake had gone quiet. A tall, silver-haired man walked briskly towards the still lost brunette. His facial features were rigid. Like he was surpressing not killing the one before his eyes.

"Usa-"

Usami Akihiko pushed a letter at Misaki's small chest. It was strong enough to make the latter almost lose his balance.

"Read that..." Usami whispered, only the two of them could hear. "And see how much of a murderer you are."

With shaking fingers, still confused and blank, Misaki unfolded the crumpled paper. The messy writing was so foreign to him. The handwriting he always liked from his brother was a wave of messy lines and uncertain directions. Not the beautiful strokes that he tried copying when he was younger.

_"Misaki,_

_I didn't know how to tell you. Honest to God, I tried stopping myself. But this is just how I am. _

_I didn't mean to break the trust you have in me, nor did I mean to make you relive the experience we had back then. _

_Dad having an illicit affair with another man. Mom knowing it. Them agreeing to divorce. Both of them dying in an accident on the way to a law office...us becoming orphans..._

_I knew you blamed it all on dad turning into a man falling for another man. I knew how much you hated gays. I knew homosexuals don't have a good impression on you. Believe me, I've tried so hard suppressing the real me for you. I had wanted to be normal for you. But I can't control who I fall in love with._

_Forgive me. I've failed you as a brother. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've always wanted to tell you. I didn't want to let you know in that manner. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry..._

_Akihiko's such a caring man. A man any gay like me could wish for. He accepted me, he accepted us. I couldn't stop myself. I can't...forgive me. I've turned into something you hated the most..._

_My fear was you finding out and looking at me like that. I really did not wish you to know that you've got someone like me as a brother. I'm sorry..._

_I broke the second family we worked hard to build. I'm sorry..."_

A year and a half ago that time was. He could still feel the sinking feeling and the sudden guilt as clearly as when he just read that letter. Because of his prejudice, because of his hatred to gays, he had pushed his brother up a wall. It was his fault. It will always be his fault.

It was also his fault now why the left lover of his older brother had turned out to be like this. Usami only worked. He only slept. He never smiled and stopped living. And when he sees Misaki, he couldn't help but hate him.

The want to hit him.

The want to slap him.

Kill him with cruel eyes.

Kill him with cruel words.

It hurts. Everyday Misaki hurts. His soul cries. His heart aches.

Misaki cried. He cried and smiled and cried while touching his face. He didn't dare make a sound. It was the first time Usami had slapped him. When he was trying to put in the boxes Takahiro's things.

He didn't know what else to do. What should he do for his misplaced hatred that caused all these? What should he do to compensate for his naiveity that caused his brother's death? His naiteivity that caused Usami's breaking?

"What should I do? So that everyone would forgive me...?"

He learned the hardway that words can kill.

_"Ne, Misaki do you have a birthday wish?"_

The brunette soaked with his sweat and tears just nodded vigorously. Answering that question deep in his heart.

* * *

The breakfast was set before the table. The house was also already cleaned. The laundry hung outside to dry. All of these household chores were done before eight in the morning. At eight thirty, Takahashi Misaki would be heading to his high school. And at five, he'd be coming home to cook dinner. The food was always eaten by the person being served.

It was this kind of routine that was both a relief and a nightmare.

_"Oww...slowly..."_

_"Wait...you're too much!"_

That sultry voice was different from the one last night. But it was a familiar one. The one he couldn't understand at all. The one who talks like he came from a different planet. Misaki had already grown accustomed to this. Usami Akihiko bringing in different kinds of men every night. To satisfy the call of flesh. But each ending, the man had always the same expression. Nothing.

_"Hey, I heard footsteps outside. Is it one of your playthings?"_

_"No."_

_"Oh, the brother..Then we could do a three-some?"_

Misaki had to step back. He thought he'd swallowed his own tongue when the door became wide open and a man with long hair, naked and grinning came into plain view. It was Arata.

"Hey, you, wanna join?"

"Ah...? Eh...? N-no..."

The long haired guy laughed. Yanking Misaki's arm, pulling him along.

"I said no..." Misaki whimpered the moment he saw Usami Akihiko sitting on the bed. Naked, sweaty, smoking a cigarette calmly.

"Don't have to force that," Usami said monotonously. "He's the very pure, white as snow human being here, remember?"

"Eh..." Arata cocked his head to the side. "But how come he's still living here? I knew it was his brother you were being with. He's gone. So why is this punk still here if he's..."

He hurriedly held Misaki by the shoulders, grinning. "Oi, Akihiko, I'd take him then."

"Huh?" Misaki exclaimed. He didn't know what was going on.

"I take both sides anyway and I've always liked virgins. They're fun to toy with."

The moment Misaki felt a sticky hand hold his cheek, he slapped the hand away and jumped back. He was huffing, pale and looked like a cornered animal.

"Stay away from me...you disgus-"

Usami shot a glare at the brunette.

"What? Why did you stop Takahashi?" Usami removed his cigarette from his mouth and stood from the bed. "You were about to say something right? Go on...say it."

"..."

"Say it!"

Misaki swallowed. Each step that Usami Akihiko made towards him made him feel like his days were being numbered.

"Why don't you say it?" Usami hissed. His face an inch away from Misaki's. His breath smelled of booze and smoke and someone else's scent. "If you can't join this little fun I am having, then leave. Get lost. Why stick in my place? I am a dis-gus-ting homo in the first place."

Arata whistled, enjoying the scene. But he personally stopped grinning when the brownhaired kid looked up with anguish in his eyes.

"Just what would it take...for you to forgive me Usami-san? It's not just you who lost someone! I lost my brother too!"

Usami turned around. "And isn't that because of you?"

"..."

Usami leaned down almost like he was about to strike Misaki with a hand. Misaki wished the man did. Instead it was heavier and more painful.

"You never once listened to what he had to say about him and me. So why on Earth do I have to listen to you?"

Misaki grabbed the still sweaty arm of Usami. "Tell me! I'd do it! My brother will be very sad if you go on like thi-"

In an instant, Misaki found himself almost leaving the floor. His hair yanked forcefully, he could only stand on tiptoes. Usami's heated glare was directed at nothing but him.

"Don't go bringing up the person you killed here."

"..."

"You want to know what would make me forgive you?" Usami hissed at Misaki's face. "Fine. I'll tell you."

The grip of the man's hand against Misaki's hair was getting tighter. The young man could feel his scalp burning. And his eyes getting warm.

"It's either you die. Or you bring back Takahiro."

With the same force, Usami let go of his hold. The kid almost fell on the floor if not for the annoying Arata who caught him. The two watched Usami wear a robe and leave the room. And when everything was already quiet, the stranger patted Misaki on the shoulder.

"Shhh. Stop crying," he said gently. "It's alright."

Misaki stared hard at that pretty face. He stared and stared until he could no longer see the man's face.

"Tsk tsk...I don't know whether to commend you or mock you."

Misaki just sobbed. Silently. Like the way how he learned from crying all alone in the storage room.

"You know...it's going to keep hurting if you stay here," the stranger Arata who'd been in that place a couple of times said as he plopped down on the floor, covering himself with the blanket he grabbed off the bed. "Leave already. Stop it while you can."

"Stop what?" Misaki whispered, burying his face on his palms.

"Huh? Stop falling for him. What else?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You're not in love with him?"

"No!"

"Really?"

"No."

"But then...why were you so angry when you discovered them?"

"B-because..."

"I saw the letter when I was sniffing around. So, because of what happened with your family?"

Misaki nodded once.

"And? Nothing else?"

"T-they betrayed me..." Misaki whispered.

"Akihiko and Takahiro-san betrayed you? Like how?"

"..." Misaki didn't know how to answer.

The stranger sighed and ruffled his long hair. "Misaki-chan right? You cannot bring that beloved Takahiro-san back no matter how much you cry there..." Arata stood then. "Why don't you do the first one and die instead?"

"...?"

"Die once. And I'll have a gift for you."

Misaki felt like he'd go crazy talking to this young man.

"Think about it."

The long hair flowing behind him, he walked towards the door where Usami had vanished earlier. He stopped by the doorframe and glanced back.

"It's annoying kiddo. You hated gays so much yet you're gay yourself. No wonder you caused this so much chaos."

Misaki glanced up, eyes wide. "I'm...I'm no...ga-"

"It seems like you're too stupid to understand it on your own," a sly grin started forming on those thin lips. "You were angry seeing them in that situation because you were being possessive of your brother's 'bestfriend'. Do I have to spell it out for you?"

"Shut up...that's not how it is..."

The stranger waived his hand in the air as if brushing Misaki off. For a second he looked really genuinely worried. "I had the same look when I fell in love with my sister's husband. But I wasn't as stupid as you to go on hurting the people I love because I don't know my real self. Ja."

In the end, Misaki cleaned up the mess in Usami's room. He washed the soiled sheets. He polished the floor. And then he took a bath and stared at the ceiling waiting for sleep.

He ended up soaking his pillow all through the night. What Arata said, felt like a lightning striking his very being.

* * *

There hasn't been any announcement or warning at all. It was just that Arata started living in that simple apartment as well. Clinging to Usami like glue. Laughing out loud without a care in the world. Whistling like nothing was wrong.

"Hey, hey Misaki-chan?" Arata called. "Care to bring me sake here?"

That was a humid Sunday outside. He just had finished doing the laundry. He was already tired as it was. And seeing Arata all comfortable before the flatscreen TV was getting him more tired than ever.

"Sake...in the middle of the day?"

"Hmm!" Arata who was only wearing obviously Usami Akihiko's polo shirt smiled. Indeed he was a fine young man. "And bring some snacks too."

Misaki turned around. He would actually do it. Since Usami seemed to have agreed to this. And in effect he was really the leeching one in there.

"Misaki-chan?" Arata called. Misaki didn't look behind him but just paused looking down the floor he polished so hard.

"..."

"Aren't you gonna say anything?"

"What should I say?"

"I'm living here now. And kinda bossing you around and flirting with Akihiko right in front of you. You won't say anything?"

Misaki inhaled. "I don't have the right to say anything."

"Hmmm...then why don't you leave now?"

Misaki then looked towards Arata.

"Just admit it already. That burst of anger at your brother was because you like Akihiko..." Arata said in a sing-songy voice. He looked like he was really enjoying the tortured look on that young face. "Ne, ne, ne...say it..."

"Why are you doing this to me?" Misaki asked. "I don't understand you..."

All of expressions on Arata's face vanished. Like he turned into a blank paper all at once. And slowly, strangely, he smiled.

"Nothing. It's fun."

"It's fun?" Misaki repeated. His feet moving towards the comfy Arata on the sofa. "It's fun? I am about to go crazy from all of these! I've repented already for so long! I know I was in the wrong! I am willing to take all the coldness from Usami-san so long as I can! I'm tired of this but I want him to forgive me and go on!"

Misaki had already been by Arata's face. As if he was about to attack the man. But all he did was glare with reddish eyes.

"I want him to get back to his old self! Smile, work and live! That's my responsibility for killing my brother with words I shouldn't have said! Do you think that's easy? YOU SAY IT'S FUN?!"

A single tear welled down Misaki's flushed cheek. Huffing and tired, the last words he wanted to say ended up in a strangled whisper.

"It's not fun...my heart's about to burst and I feel suffocated..."

The long haired guy made a sideway glance and clicked his tongue. "Why? Why go that far?"

Misaki swallowed the shout he wanted to do. And instead ended up in a thick silence.

"You are gay yourself. And sticking to someone who's nothing but icecold to you, that's the stupidest thing ever."

Arata turned the TV off and stood. Being with the same height with Arata, Misaki still had to look away. Perhaps because of experience. Because of age. Misaki felt intimidated. Arata looked like having the gaze of a devil sent from hell.

"..."

"So you finally admitted defeat Misaki-chan. But then, you having feelings with that block of ice man is not of importance. You called him a disgusting 'homo' and killed his lover. You're never gonna find happiness with him. Just leave."

Misaki looked away. "I won't."

"Kiddo...if you died, Akihiko-san will be happy. Didn't he say so?"

"..."

"He'd be very relieved that an eyesore is already gone. And he and I can start together clean."

"..."

Arata raised a hand. He ran it gently over the strands of Misaki's hair as if in a trance.

"Die once. And we'll see."

Misaki jumped back, glaring at the floor.

"I'll go if there's really no chance anymore..."

The boy was shaking. So much so as if losing his mind.

"I'll go if he again says so..."

The emerald eyes were so red. The veins in his throat were very prominent. Like any minute he'd cry blood.

This was the extent of the heavy burden Misaki was carrying. And he looked straight into Arata's unexplainable eyes with all his deepest feelings pouring into a raging river.

"You don't have to slap it on my face that this whole thing...this whole ridiculous mess..."

Arata crossed his arms.

And Misaki, he cried.

"...yeah...is all because I am a closet gay..."

* * *

"Why are you here?"

The room was bright. The bed was messy. And Arata was sprawled on the floor eating Pocky. Usami Akihiko had just returned from work. His face was as usual stern. His shoulders stiff. And he seemed to have gotten a permanent frown between his brows.

"Just killing time," Arata replied with a sweet smile. He silently watched Usami head to the cabinet and one by one remove his clothing. In no time, the chiselled body was there in plain view. Arata just gazed with a smile playing on his lips.

"Akihiko, you hate Misaki-chan?"

"Shut up."

The silverhaired man stood by the open windows and lit a cigarette. He went home later than usual that night. He was really exausted. He didn't even have the energy to shoo away the grinning bobcat lying on the floor behind him.

"You know what Misaki-chan told me earlier?" Arata said, rolling down the floor staring at the ceiling. "He'd take responsibility for killing his brother. He'd wait for you to smile again or something. What a novel thing to say."

Usami just went with his smoking business without responding.

"He's the kind of kid I hate the most. His earnestnest is hurting my eyes."

"What are you being so talkative about? Shut the fuck up."

Arata rolled onto his stomach.

"Aren't you being too harsh to the baby brother though?" Arata asked closing his eyes. "Well it doesn't concern me. You said so, you'd be happy if he dies."

"You're screwed in the head, aren't you?"

"That's mean! I was born like this!"

* * *

Monday, at eight-fifteen in the morning, the house was quiet. The food that was supposed to be on the table wasn't there. The laundry was still unfolded. The plants still unwatered. The shoes that should long been gone to school was still there.

Arata was yawning when he went to the dining room. His steamy coffee with strawberry jam on a toast wasn't there.

"Huh? Is he boycotting me?" Arata grumbled, scratching his flat stomach shamelessly like a brute. It didn't go well with that sophisticated face. "Oi...Misaki-chan! Where's my food?"

The deafening silence was the reply.

"He must be fed up with me," Arata laughingly said.

"What are you laughing about alone in there?" Usami asked. He just got out of the shower. His hair still wet. He was still wearing his robe since no clothes were in his cabinet. They were still in the hamper. The clothes that Misaki should have already taken care of.

"Oh...Ohayo my King. Misaki-chan is boycotting us. We've got no food."

Usami walked away without any remark and tried searching for anything he could wear.

Arata stood with his hands on his hips. He blew some strands of his hair off his forehead and frowned.

"No way. I need my breakfast."

The hard-to-read man walked like he was gliding on the floor. His barefeet made no sound at all which made him all the more the scary bobcat that was his best description.

When he reached his intended destination, he knocked thrice.

"Yoh? You in there?"

Nothing.

"It's weird..."

Deciding to tresspass, he rested his dainty hands and turned the knob. He was expecting it to be locked. But it moved without resistance at all.

"..."

The room was beyond his expectations. Neat. Everything was in place. As if no one was using it at all.

"Eh...he's not here."

Arata went out and glided again out in the hallway. He noticed then a small door. A door located at the space under the stairs. It wasn't catchy and he'd never noticed it before. But that time, he felt like it was calling on to him.

Slowly, he went inside. The door was only as big as one huge dog could get in. Crouching to get inside, Arata wrinkled his nose. The smell of different objects had combined into one unique scent.

"Storage room...?"

And then he saw Misaki. Sitting on the floor, back resting against the wall. His eyes were open but staring vacantly into space. And he was holding an empty juice bottle and a picture of three people. A picture when everything was still happy and not complicated. Usami, Takahiro and Misaki in the middle.

"Misaki?" Arata called softly. He waived his hand before Misaki's face. And he got no reaction at all.

Arata narrowed his eyes. He stared and observed the non-blinking eyes. The still shoulders and chest. This must be the best 'play-dead' he had seen. If that was really a 'play'.

"Oi...I'd give you an award for this seriously...now cut it out..."

The emerald eyes just went on staring into something else. He was devoid of expression. He seemed to have been frozen in that state.

"Misaki...?" he again called, poking Misaki's shoulder. "Misaki? Misaki? Misaki?!"

Arata swallowed and tapped the young man's cheeks. Faster, a bit more forceful. None. Nothing.

The man looked worried. He slowly reached and caressed Misaki's soft cheeks. Traced the lips. Ran his fingers along the somewhat unkept hair of the boy.

And Arata smiled.

"What's the fuss Arata?"

There was Usami standing just outside. He could see Arata right away. The latter bit his bottom lip and glanced at the owner of the place.

"Akihiko...something's wrong with Misaki..."

"Huh?"

The long-haired man moved to the side. The image to be seen then right away by the wall was Misaki. The kid's face looked like he had been spirited away. With that unblinking eyes. With the half-parted lips. With the hands to both his sides. With his open palm with a two-year-old photo.

"Akihiko...he's not breathing at all..." Arata whispered as he raised a finger under the boy's nose. "Nothing...there's nothing..."

For a few seconds, Usami just stood there. He eventually crouched low to get in the cramped storage room. His face was still the blank wall.

"Oi Misaki...?" Arata called once more. "Akihiko...I think...he's...he's-"

Usami inched closer, taking the expressionless face in his hands. He tapped the boy's cheek once, twice, thrice. He held the boy's right hand, squeezing it very tightly. But all Misaki did was to stare into space with his glassy emerald eyes. Never once did he blink. Never once he flinched from the strenght squeezing his hand.

"..."

Slowly, Usami let the boy lay on his back on the floor. He grabbed open the cardigan Misaki was wearing in a hurried manner. And then he rested his ear against the still chest.

No breathing.

No thumping.

Nothing.

If anything, all the heartbeats that Misaki should be having seemed to have been transferred all to Usami Akihiko. His heart muscles were thumping violently. To the point of excruciating pain rising towards his throat that breathing had become difficult.

The man just sat there. Unable to think. Unable to discern what he should be doing next. He tugged at Misaki's shirt, but let go hurriedly as if he was burned. He tugged at the boy's shoulders and saw his own fingers shaking.

"...Misaki...?"

Arata took the boy's hand and felt for a pulse. He knew how to do this. He was an expert.

"Akihiko-san. He's probably died...some thirty minutes ago."

"..."

Usami Akihiko raised a hand. He waived it at the boy's open eyes many times. Did it over and over again. But got the same result.

The longhaired-guy on the other side of Misaki hugged his knees while watching Usami Akihiko. He cocked his head to the side.

"Akihiko-san. Are you happy?"

The question came out of nowhere. A question so out of place. A question that rendered Usami so astonished he coud feel anger crawling from the tips of his fingers straight to his head.

"Well..." Arata rested his pale hand over Misaki's exposed throat and lingered there. "Didn't you say so? You'd only forgive him if he brings Takahiro-san back...or if he dies. It's a given Takahiro-san can't be brought back. But the second is possible. Misaki's dead now. So... are you happy?"

The man couldn't believe what he was hearing. Without knowing he had grabbed Arata by the lapels.

"What did you do?"

Arata just giggled as he stared without faltering at the clouding lavender eyes before him.

"What did _you_ do?" Arata asked back.

"...?"

Arata sweetly looked at the boy who was lying in the middle of them. Patted Misaki on the cheek once and looked back at Usami.

"He's dead. You got your revenge. Problem solved, isn't it?"

"You-?" Usami started, his voice shaking. "You killed Misaki?"

"I did not. Ah...maybe?"

Every nerve in Usami's body was burning with rage. But he couldn't even punch the face before him.

"It felt good. Seeing that kid's startled face when I said that the bottled juice was from you. He was sooooo happy."

"...?"

"I poisoned him."

Arata laughed. "Wow...you should have seen his face. He was drinking it in gulps as if he was thirsting for it. And then when he was done drinking, I told him there's poison in it. I asked him..._who do you think placed that there_?"

Usami glanced at the empty strawberry bottled juice on the floor.

"I said _you," _Arata stopped his demented gaze and laughter and just quietly stared at Usami. "He only just smiled."

"..."

"Akihiko-san...why aren't you happy? This is what you wanted. I merely acted out what you said."

"YOU FREAKING ASSHOLE!"

It was as if Misaki wasn't there anymore. Usami had grabbed Arata, pushed him against the floor like he was intending to bury the latter there. But he couldn't hit the man's face. He really couldn't.

_Why? _Why indeed. Because Usami knew he wasn't with clean hands.

"Before Takahiro-san died, you must have been fond with the kid, haven't you? Cared for him, laughed with him, irked him for the fun of it. You were a family after all."

_"Shut-up..."_

"Have you really been that shocked that your anger has blinded you this much? The little brother you so hated...he'd been grovelling at your feet for a year and a half month now."

_"Shut-up..."_

"So I pity him, that Misaki," Arata continued, unfaltered even when his shoulders were already hurting. "He's got a fag for a father, a fag for a brother. He hated fags and it turns out, he's real self was the same. That must be excruciating. And to put the finishing touch to the main course, he still has to carry the guilt of his own brother's death. I am so amazed he didn't go crazy with that..."

Lavender eyes grew wide. The words ringing in his head. The cramped storage room was spinning, the floor seemed to have been uneven.

"Akihiko-san...?" Arata called.

Usami Akihiko was still on top of the bobcat. His fingers were digging harshly on Arata's shoulders. His face was pale. His eyes were red. His lips were tainted with blood.

"If you care for the kid this much...that him dying causes you those tears...why can't you already forgive him for the words a meer confused kid said?"

The man slowly moved away from Arata, touching his cheeks with his shaking fingers. They were cold. They were wet.

"Do you realize now?" Arata continued, sitting as he rubbed his aching shoulder. "Let go already. Both of you have suffered too much already. Continue with this and you'd never have the chance to build this 'family' again."

Usami looked at Misaki. He looked at Arata and tiredly ran a hand over his face.

"What are you talking about you crazy bastard?" Usami whispered hoarsely. "The 'family' is gone. For real."

"Your words can either make or break that kid over there," Arata said as he sat back, shooing dust off his hair. "... So once the drug wears off from Misaki-chan's system, fucking please make up."

"H-huh?" Usami suddenly looked up. "What?"

Arata leaned down and checked on Misaki's blank eyes. "Hmm...he's gonna come around soon."

"Wh-what are you...?"

"There's no better way than to show you how much of grief you'd get if the kid vanishes. So I did this."

Arata smiled. "Was I a great actor? Tetrodotoxin...I mixed it with the juice. What an amazing drug really and I still have tons of it."

"...?" Usami glanced at the still motionless brunette. "He's not...he's not dead?"

"You were scared shitless, weren't you?" Arata grinned.

The silverhaired man took the boy gently into his arms. Hugging Misaki like it was the real last. There was no telling how much relief he was feeling in his chest. He just stayed like that, holding Misaki against him, burying his face against the boy's neck. His only family left that he almost closely lost.

"Hmmm?" a weak voice. "What-U-Usami-san?"

When the kid came around, he was still crushed in Usami's arms. He still had no strenght to break away yet and he was so confused of what was going on too.

"A-re...?" Misaki stammered. He felt something cold against his neck. "U-usami-san? Why are you...?"

Usami just hugged him all the harder. Whispering something against Misaki's ears, the boy was left speechless. And he just closed his eyes that were suddenly near to tears again. Not of pain or hurt. But of something else.

The wish. It's been so long. But it did come true.

_"Sorry," _Usami had whispered. _"I'm really sorry...forgive me..."_

"..."

The suddenly out of the picture man, Arata shook his head and crawled his way out of the cramped room.

"Didn't I tell you 'die once' and I'll have a gift?" Arata said towards Misaki. He stretched his body here and there, like how any cat would after a tiring day. "Fools..."

Just when Arata was about to glide away again, he heard a voice calling to him.

"Why Arata?" Usami asked in a soft voice as he watched the still confused, drowsy face of the kid he was holding. "Why?"

Arata looked towards the open window at the farthest side of the hallway. It was so bright in there that he couldn't see anything outside.

"There are things that only a third party could see that those involved couldn't."

"..."

"Besides, I enjoy being the villain," Arata laughingly said as he started walking away.

"..."

Arata peeked back at the small door. His deceiving angelic face glowing with glee.

"I didn't do this so you two could be lovey-dovey or anything," he said while twirling his long hair around his finger. "It's just so you two could find a second-chance. Well, what comes after that second-chance is something out of my hand. But aren't you glad?"

The long haired man smiled genuinely this time. No playing, no deceiving.

"You can rebuild the family you almost lost completely. Man that was hardwork!"

Usami drew a deep breath, answering only in golden silence.

"So I guess, I wouldn't be coming to be of service to you anymore?" Arata said. "It's okay."

Leaving the two in the storage room, Arata tucked his hands inside his jeans and whistled away as he walked.

_"Come visit sometimes."_

That came from a low voice, smooth and has got a nice timber. Usami Akihiko. Arata finally thought that this patron who only slept with him once was the 'one'. But the circumstances around Usami and the kid, he couldn't overlook them.

Arata looked up with a funny smile. He was really happy. But at the same time, the eyes that were hard to read were reddish.

"Sure...when I am not so busy butting in other people's business."

* * *

It was a quiet day for this men and women's salon. It looked old outside, much older in the inside. Its equipments have lost its luster, the wall a depresing cream. The old japanese music in the background wasn't of any help. No wonder the salon on the other side of the streets was much flourishing.

"You sure you don't want to renovate this sorry place?" Arata asked as he ran his fingers through his golden hair. He then sat at one of the old chairs and lifted his chin left and right. "Your sign outside is gonna fall off already. I thought it would hit my head!"

The tall man standing behind Arata's chair smiled sweetly.

"Forget about my salon..." he murmured. "So what happened to the two then? They got together?"

Arata watched his friend through the mirror. He then boredly answered. "Don't know...the last time I saw them, they were shopping together."

"..."

The guy behind the chair stared hard at his friend and customer. He sighed and glided his fingers in the soft strands of that light hair.

"So...what is the meaning of this hair cut again...?"

"Not just a haircut. Color it dark too. I want to return to my normal self."

"Huh?"

"I've solved someone else's problems but I can't solve mine? Isn't there something ridiculous about that?"

The hair-cutter's expression started to grow dimmer and paler by the second.

Arata slowly looked up, taking off his contact lenses and crampling them in the palm of his hand. The mirror revealed dark eyes, deep and somehow like a dark well of secrets.

"Arata...you don't...mean..."

"It's alright," Arata blinked at the mirror. "I want to return being as me. So call me in my real name from now on."

The friend frowned deeper. He was anxious and worried.

"You don't have nine lives just to remind you..."

"Come on...It'd be better to die as 'Kisa Shouta' than die as the fake 'Arata'," the man sitting shrugged. "Hurry up, finish my return to my original look already!"

As the scissors started creating this snipping sound, the hair falling on the floor, and Kisa flipping his magazine, the concerned friend sighed again.

"Kisa...you've stopped using Nihilist already right?"

Kisa just answered with a meaningful silence.

The guy hit Kisa on the shoulder without restraint.

"Oww! That hurts you idiot!"

"You're the idiot one here! One day, you'll never really wake up!"

Kisa silently massaged his protesting shoulder and pursed his lips.

He was once a part of a syndicate with this kind of ridiculous yet effective farce. It was like having his other feet already deep in a grave. Kisa would stand on the street. Plan the set-up. Pretend to get hit. Pretend to be dead. And his fake 'parents' working in the syndicate too would come for a huge amount of settlement.

Voila. Instant bleeding cash.

That was how a certain Yukina Tetsu died. He died from searching money all over the place just so he would not end up in jail for a 'hit and run'. He died from a heart attack in the middle of winter, begging loan sharks to lend him money.

Kisa closed his eyes.

"Ne...Ryuu...That time, all I was thinking of was for my father to get better. I never really meant sacrificing someone else's father..."

That winter evening, the guy that was supposed to be dead by the 'car accident', Takami Yuuta, was seen walking happily in the streets by Yukina Tetsu's son, Yukina Kou.

"That was careless of me..." Kisa mumbled as he watched his hair getting shorter and shorter. "I went around still being 'Takami Yuuta' ...I barely escaped that Yukina Kou's wrath that time."

Worried eyes looked deep into the slightly smiling man in the mirror. He had finished cutting the long hair. So the centipede-like scar on the side of that once flawless nape was strikingly visible. A mark of how a certain Yukina Kou had almost killed this sly bobcat.

Smiling while his eyes were closed, it would look perfectly peaceful to anybody. But Ryuu, the one doing the haircut could only see a sad man.

"I'll come for retribution. Do you think he'd recognize me without my disguise?"

"WHAT?! Are you out of your mind?!" Ryuu shrieked with the dangerous scissors in the air. "He'd kill you if he recognizes you! Don't even think about it!"

"I guess I just wanted to have a second chance too. That Misaki kid...he somehow made me feel ashamed of myself..."

Kisa stared at his young face. His time seemed to have been stuck at eighteen in appearance. But he was older than that. His body was really much older, adding all the effects of nonstop usage of Nihilist a few years ago, he knew his body would take revenge on him one day.

"He faced the anger and wrath...instead of hiding like I did..."

"This and that are different matters Kisa..."

"If I would be doing this, it has to be now..."

"Kisa...treasure yourself more..."

"What are you so worried about? I've mastered using the Nihilist, I know a few other tricks, I won't die right away."

Nihilist. It was what Kisa Shouta termed his partner in crime. Tetrodotoxin . A kind of poison that makes one appear to be 'dead' for a while. Its an addicting and a fatal drug. Recently he'd been taking it like vitamins. In his body that had been abused by this drug for so long, certain small amounts could act like his painkillers or antidepressants. More and he could pretend to be a corpse. A little more and he'd be dead for real.

With a worried face, Kisa's friend looked down.

"Kisa Shouta, hatred from the death of one's parent is the most dangerous and scariest thing," Ryuu explained trying to be calm. He squeezed both Kisa's shoulders firmly. "You wouldn't be able to solve this with just a one 'Hi, I'm sorry' kind of thing."

The long hair gone, Kisa felt like his head was too light and that he'd been exposed. But he sucked his breath and stared at the other man in the mirror straight on.

The scar on his neck was long and unsightly. But Kisa was greatful for that. Raising the tips of his fingers and running them up and down that reminder, Kisa released a long sigh.

"What are you sighing for?"

"Ah...I just remembered the prince in my dreams..."

"Huh?"

"You know how Snow White eats her poisoned apple, falls asleep and gets saved by her prince? My kind of prince..." Kisa gave a somewhat forced smile trying to act as if he was joking. "Without the saving...will most likely shove that apple down my throat..."

Ryuu gave a deep frown. He was very disturbed. Because he knew the truth that lies within it. "That is seriously not funny."

Kisa plainfully nodded his head absentmindedly.

_"How can you stomach doing this?!"_ such pretty eyes directed at Kisa with pure hatred he'd never forget. Eyes that were blazing with anger, tears that refused to go down, breath fogging Kisa's vision.

_"HOW?! My father...my father and I...we searched almost the ends of the world to get that money for settlement...for the blackmail that you've set up! He was so remorseful thinking that he'd kill someone and then I find you..." _the prince drew a deep breath, his fingers digging into that slim throat that was at his mercy_. "I find you here walking alive? WHAT THE HELL?!"_

That time, Kisa with his red hair and green eyes, only stared with an unmasked coldness. _"There are things in the world people would do just to survive."_

The soft snow falling that night became a swirl of lines in Kisa's eyes. He felt his head hit the wall. A paper cutter slowly grazing on his thin skin. And the sweet trickle of blood from the prickling painful sensation against the side of his throat was nothing.

_"Actus me invito factus non est meus actus..."_ Kisa chanted his mind.

This tall man who had the appearance of a knight from those children's books, did he really caused this man to change into the beast he was acting now?

_"Actus me invito factus non est meus actus..."_

It wasn't a prayer.

_"Actus me invito factus non est meus actus..."_

Dark-blonde hair, snow melting on it. Long lashes glimmering from snow? No. They weren't snow. Did he really caused this kind-looking man to cry tears of anguish?

Kisa swallowed hard.

"Kisa?" Ryuu querried, stopping with the finishing touches of the hair that he just finished dying with a dark color. "Are you...are you crying?!"

Kisa hurriedly opened his eyes and wiped his cheeks with the palm of his hand and grinned. The reflection in the mirror was funny. Having his head wrapped in celophane all flattened down. He looked weird.

"Actus me invito factus non est meus actus," Kisa had said aloud.

"Huh? What? Is that a spell from that movie-what was that...Ah," Ryuu raised his dye-stained comb as if pretending it to be a wand. "Harry Potter?"

Kisa laughed.

"No idiot. Just get on with my haircolor okay? Make me look good for that shoujo-manga prince."

The friend who had everything to worry about just shook his head as he did his job. Kisa Shouta on the other hand glanced one more time to that ugly scar and closed his eyes again relieving that Yukina Kou's face.

Actus me invito factus non est meus actus. An act done by me against my will is not my act. Kisa always believed this to keep himself sane by the ever dirtying of his hands.

The scar on his neck, he was really grateful for that.

_"I thought I don't...but I guess I still have a conscience...So I'm coming back and pay for it. Yukina Kou."_

* * *

_**chapter end notes:**_

Wahahaha...uhm...so this is how it is. it's like a loooooong prologue of the real short story that i am about tell. hahahaXD Yukina X Kisa.

thank you for reading and please share your thoughts!

-shuusetsu

info:

I've used up **tetrodotoxin** here for my convenience but intaking something as this could really kill. it causes paralysis, and many other results that could end up in death.

_"_**Actus me invito factus non est meus actus..." **===is a latin maxim i've learned during one of my classes. XD

**PS**: i've recently decided to use my twitter account which had been idle for such a long time. please follow me and i'll follow back. let's talk there or anything! XD Twitter==== ** hanamishuu**

**ps2**: please check the cover art i did for this. i think it's nice. lol XD (in tumblr and twitter)


End file.
